


eHarmonizing

by onedirectionrody



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Derek Hale can have no nice things except sometimes when Stiles happens, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Stupid Boys, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, crackfic, hella sterek, scallison if you squint, sterek
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 16:55:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onedirectionrody/pseuds/onedirectionrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Actually,” Derek growled. Stiles braced himself, certain that this was going to end in pain. “It would read ‘looking for a lady <i>or gentleman</i> who is also hot but probably won’t kill anyone.”</p><p>And. Just. That wasn’t what Stiles had expected. At all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> So we're giving Cody a break for the holidays. This is a solo effort, and outside of our usual fandom, but I've pretty much only been reading Teen Wolf Sterek fics lately, so I figured it was time for me to write one. I hope you guys like it!! I'm also trying something different with the lengths of chapters, I think. This first chapter will just be a kind of teaser and I'm going to add different parts with different lengths, probably at random times. Sorry guys, it's Christmas and New Years and family gatherings and stuff :)
> 
> Oh, and in other news, the date went really, really well! Jake insisted on meeting my friends at our annual holiday party and kissed me at the end of the night and we had to go home for break, but he has been texting me and skyping me constantly and apparently, I'm not exactly alone in the whole "I like you way too much for normality." It's actually kind of sickening. We have the same favorite band and the same favorite songs and an obsession over Harry Potter and _guys_. 
> 
> Sorry. Just had to let that out. Love you for putting up with my squealing and sighing and general obsessions :)
> 
> xx Raven

It started out as a joke that Stiles made too soon.

“Come on, Derek, can’t you start dating normal people?” It’s stupid, and they’re standing next to the Nemeton, staring down at the body of their English teacher, who spoiler alert is actually a nightmarish monster in disguise. Or, um. Was. Derek has a type, okay? And it’s apparently “dead psychopath.”

Derek didn’t need to push Stiles into a wall or anything that time. He just pinned him with his gaze. Stiles tried not to think about the fact that he would have preferred Derek’s fingers digging into his biceps. That was extraneous information. Completely unnecessary. He wished he could stop thinking about how theoppositeofuseful that information was.

“Dude,” Scott whispered loudly. Stiles rolled his eyes. The guy had been a werewolf for, like, three and a half seasons or a year or whatever and he couldn’t figure out that Derek could hear his loud, spit-laden whispers from two feet away.

“Right, dude, sorry” Stiles said, because let it never be said that Stiles Stilinski was purposefully insensitive. “But let me know if you need me to set up a profile on eHarmony, man. I can see it already. Hottie wit a body looking for a lady who is also hot but probably won’t kill anyone.”

Derek’s jaw clenched. Which. Um. Right, Stiles had been thinking about other things, right? Now the world was jawline. The universe was jawline. Just. Jawline.

“Actually,” Derek growled. Stiles braced himself, certain that this was going to end in pain. “It would read ‘looking for a lady _or gentleman_ who is also hot but probably won’t kill anyone.”

And. Just. That wasn’t what Stiles had expected. At all. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst part was that it was obviously Stiles that wasn't working for Derek. It wasn’t the fact that he had a dick, and it certainly had nothing to do with Derek not wanting company. The guy was obviously lonely, obviously searching for someone to save him. It just wasn’t Stiles he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone,  
> I meant to update this sooner, but, alas! Christmas festivities were overwhelming and frequent. Also frequent? Skyping and texting with Jake, who, believe it or not, is actually sweeter and more amazing than even I imagined. He's sweet and funny and thinks my poetry is "incredible." He literally sent me the words: "I've never wanted to know anyone like I want to know you. I want to tell you everything about me and I want you to tell me everything about you." Like, that's a word for word quote, guys. And the weirdest thing is? I totally buy it. He isn't trying to be smooth, you know? Haha Cody's already planning our wedding. Which. Turnabout is fair play, because I have a freaking binder of ideas for his and Alex's wedding (coming to a theater near you as soon as I can coerce one of them to propose). Cody's currently with Alex and his family in Colorado, sucking down water (as well as whatever he normally sucks down. Ahem.) to combat altitude sickness and charming the natives, as per usual. I'm headed back to the city tomorrow in order to celebrate NYE with my very best friend, Shana, and then I start a brand spanking new internship and Jake gets back on the 2nd. Overall, life is hella wonderful right now. 
> 
> On to the Sterek!
> 
> xx Raven

After that, Stiles made more of an effort around Derek. 

Not that it mattered.

When Stiles wore tight jeans and a fitted t-shirt to go to a club, he just got attacked by a succubus. 

Or maybe “attacked” wasn’t the right word, not when he walked off into the shadows with the pretty blonde, and responded enthusiastically when she pursed her lips prettily and looked up at him through her eyelashes. 

But the thing was, Derek hadn’t even _looked_. He probably didn’t so much as notice that Stiles was necking with some girl against the wall, much less that he was wearing jeans that he could barely breathe in. It had felt so nice to be noticed that he took far too long to notice the strange sensation of being sapped of all his feeble strength. Luckily, Derek’s superwolf hearing tipped him off.

Derek rolled his eyes and gutted the blonde, helped Stiles stumble to Deaton’s office for some Gatorade and a banana, and left at such a high speed that Stiles was pretty sure he caught on fire at one point. Or. Right, the fire jokes were probably in bad taste. But it was so annoying that he didn’t stay to watch Stiles eat the phallic fruit that he avoided Derek for a week straight.

Derek didn’t seem to notice, just showed up in his bedroom one night with a piece of paper that said “Elves” and scowled at him until he sighed and pulled up Wikipedia and Google. Derek crawled into his bed, nuzzled around the covers a bit until he snuffled a sigh that said it was to his satisfaction. Stiles took a picture with his phone and sent it to the pack.

Derek blearily opened one eye. Interestingly enough, he didn’t need both to glare.

 _Right_ Stiles thought. _Right._ Because there was no edge of fondness to the look Derek shot him, not the slightest inkling that he found Stiles adorable or amusing. No, like it had always been, Stiles was another a-word. Stiles was an _annoyance_. And it wasn’t like it was new enough to hurt, but still, it did. 

The worst part was that it was obviously _Stiles_ that wasn't working for Derek. It wasn’t the fact that he had a dick, and it certainly had nothing to do with Derek not wanting company. The guy was obviously lonely, obviously searching for someone to save him. It just wasn’t Stiles he wanted. 

And, yeah, that hurt.

But Stiles was nothing if not used to rejection, so he dealt with it the way he dealt with everything — by trying desperately not to think about it and taking care of the people he cared about. Aggressively. His dad got extra salads and miscellaneous greenery, Scott got a fancy new first aid kit, despite the fact that his wounds sealed themselves, and Derek?

Well, Derek got a brilliantly articulated eHarmony profile and a note from Stiles that said “Hey, dude, no pressure. But that thing I mentioned? Whenever you’re ready to date, I have it all planned out.”

And Stiles began painfully and skillfully suppressing any thoughts of Derek Hale. Especially thoughts of Derek Hale naked, or Derek Hale warm and cuddly, or especially of the way Derek Hale had nuzzled his face into Stiles’s bedsheets after a week of separation, like he had missed his scent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think so far! I don't like it as much as my usual stuff, but with no structure or cowriter, I'm falling to pieces!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, guys!

It was nearly three weeks later when Stiles got a text.

 

“Ok.”

 

Period included, because Derek was terse even through text message.

 

The next day, he showed up in Stiles's room, shirtless for no good reason. Of course, he had used the window, rather than doing what ACTUAL PEOPLE DO and using the door.

 

“ _Dude,”_ Stiles said, showing the right amount of disgust and fear to mask the fact that the image was quickly being filed away for Stiles Time  TM. 

 

“Sorry. There's an omega behind your house. We'll have to bury him in that meadow, later,” Derek said, rolling his shoulders and neck a bit. He looked like actual porn. Actual. Porn. And not that shitty stuff, either. Like that quality HD porn with the super good lighting and creative positions and camera angles and less brutality towards women and all the white furniture. Which. How did they get stains out of all that expensive furniture? Was the budget just that high? Maybe it was furniture covers and they could just wash them and reuse. Maybe the porn industry had a really good stain remover that they invented. There had been that documentary he watched the one time that had a list of all the things that had been invented for porn. Like, almost the entire internet. Yes, Stiles owed more than just daily orgasms to the porn industry.

 

“ _Stiles,”_ Derek growled. And really, Scott and Isaac didn't growl like that, so it wasn't a wolf thing. Just a _Derek_ thing. Which was hot, but uncalled for.

 

“Alright, alright. But if I'm going to turn you into a real boy, Pinocchio, then you are going to be nicer to me.”

 

Derek just glared.

 

“Fine, big guy. So you saw the basics of the profile. I just need to fill in a few other things, and get some information from you. Then, I can just set you up on the dates. All you'll have to do is show up and use the smiles you normally employ to get information and/or distract pretty officers of the law,” Stiles said, bringing up the page.

 

“You mean fake ones?” Derek asked. 

 

“Hey, you know what they say. Or you would if you owned a TV or smartphone. 'Fake it til you make it!' We'll just find you someone who makes you smile real smiles.”

 

When Stiles turned around, the corners of Derek's mouth were lifted, and his cheeks were a little flushed. Stiles promptly rammed his knee into the corner of his desk. Honestly, once Derek let his real smile out on the person he liked, rather than just at the ground while he thought of the possibility of him/her, he was going to be impossible to be around. Stiles's skin bruised like a peach and he was positive he'd be running into several doors a day.

 

“So, Derek, what's your highest level of education?” Stiles asked, grabbing his knee. Derek's smile dropped as he came back to the real world and it felt a bit like a punch to the gut. He knew he was no dreamboat, but he thought they were close enough friends that maybe Derek could smile for him more often. It didn't seem fair that the man/woman who he fell for would get them all.

 

“Um. I got my masters in English at Columbia,” Derek said quietly, scuffing his toe against the floor.

 

“What??” Stiles asked. 

 

Derek frowned. Or frowned more than normal. His eyebrows got more intense, is what Stiles was trying to say.

 

“No, I didn't mean it like that! I don't mean you're stupid or anything, but how old are you?”

 

“23,” Derek said. He peeked out at Stiles from underneath his eyelashes. “After the fire, there wasn't much to do but study.”

 

Stiles pictured Derek at 16, imagined him desperately reading book after book, trying to get away from his own world by getting lost in others. 

 

“Hey, I get it,” Stiles said, as gently as possible. “I know how that is. You should be so proud of what you accomplished. Your parents would be, and I know I am.”

 

Derek didn't say much, he never did, but Stiles caught just a glimpse of a smile that was all for him, and it was more than enough.

 

“Okay, so I think that's it for the profile. Now, I just need to know what you're looking for in other people, so I can filter out the ones I think you'd like.”

 

Derek sighed. “Okay.”

 

Stiles smiled encouragingly. “Alright, for women. Do you prefer older or younger? Tall or short? Funny or serious? Outgoing or shy? Blonde or brunette? Just give me a description of your ideal, here.”

 

Derek looked panicked. “I don't know. Kate was older, Jennifer and Paige were the same age. But I don't want to go too much younger or then I'm the Kate, and that would be wrong. And I don't know about any of the rest either. Um. I just want someone who isn't supernatural. Or, maybe just not evil supernatural. And I want someone, like, sturdy, maybe? Who won't die? And nice. I want someone nice. Please.” Derek's eyes had gotten bigger and bigger, his bunny teeth biting marks into his lips that faded immediately. He looked adorable and also like he might pass out.

 

“Shhhh, D. It's cool, man. I'll just look for ladies who seem nice. Do you want me to look for anything specific in guys, or just the same thing?” Stiles wanted to rub his shoulder, but Derek wasn't too great with contact and he didn't want to make him even more uncomfortable.

 

Derek took a deep breath and his eyes glazed over a bit. “I want someone tall and wiry. With messy hair and big eyes and he should be really sarcastic and funny and smart and loyal.” He was practically resting his chin on his hands and sighing out the window like a Disney princess.

 

“Well,” Stiles coughed, uncomfortable with Derek's obvious crush, “that's a lot more specific. Do you have someone in mind for that?”

 

“Yes.” Derek said. He looked scared. Probably worried that Stiles was going to spread rumors about his weak spot. He didn't bother asking Derek if it were a possibility for a relationship with the person he was gushing about. Derek Hale was the type of man to go after what he wanted. It was probably some guy he met at Columbia who lived too far away.

 

“I get it, dude. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about this. I totally understand what it's like, getting over an infatuation. The whole Lydia thing took me forever. This will stay between us, and if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here,” Stiles said. “And in the meantime, we're going to find you someone even better.”

 

Derek nodded, his mouth tight. Stiles knew a buildup to a good brood, and Derek had broody-face even more than normal. “Alright. Good talk, man. Now, let's go bury that omega so we can get some sleep. I know being that gloomy all the time has to be exhausting.”

 

Stiles hesitated once, than hit “publish” on the profile. Derek deserved someone fantastic. Someone gorgeous and brilliant, someone who made him happy. It didn't matter if a guy like Stiles was interested in applying for the position. He may as well apply for a position as CEO of a multi-billion dollar corporation. Stiles was just not that qualified.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me all your troubles, my children. Or just comment with lots of emoticons. That's cool too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just to clarify for some commenters, Jake dumped me at the end of May. I'm okay, no worries, just wanted to make sure we could nip that in the bud now! Cody, his boyfriend Alex, and our friend Zoë are living together postgrad in Manhattan, painting the town red and all that, and life is pretty great.

Stiles blinked blearily at his phone the next morning as the apple logo appeared on the black screen.

 

It had been a rough night. His phone had started buzzing with notifications as soon as he published the profile, vibrating off of his nightstand and onto the floor until the rattling sounds against the hardwood had driven him to do the unthinkable: turn off his phone altogether.

 

Of course, three minutes later he turned it back on, scared that he might have missed an abduction or murder or another sign of the apocalypse. Oh, the life of the snarky sidekick. This had continued, Stiles flipping his phone on and off until he had just yanked the charger out of the wall and passive-aggressively let it die. 

 

Of course, his alarm hadn’t gone off because his phone was dead and now he had 15 minutes until first period, according to his father’s bellowing. Oh, the life of a snarky sidekick who also happened to still be in high school.

 

He threw his usual uniform on — a plaid shirt over a plain t-shirt and heard his phone give one very long buzz before falling silent.

 

347 notifications. Jesus, there were barely 347 people in Beacon Hills and he had posted the profile last night around 11. 

 

He slung his bag over his shoulder, feeling the clunk of a calculus textbook he was supposed to have been studying the night before instead of creating a dating page for the object of his most secret and foolhardy affections. 

 

“Oh well,” Stiles thought out loud. “C'est la vie.”

 

“La vie,” Derek said.

 

“Solid joke,” Stiles responded automatically, mouth dropping open. The familiar thrill that seemed to originate in Stiles’s balls before punching him in the stomach ran its course, the way it always did. Derek was in a tight black t-shirt and even tighter jeans, propped against the Camaro with his hips set forward like an invitation. “Heyyyyy Derek. So, uh, not to be rude or anything, but why are you here? In my driveway. At 7:52 in the morning.”

 

Derek hated getting up before noon. He was more a night owl. Or a night wolf. A creature of the night, that’s all Stiles was trying to say.

 

“I, uh, brought you coffee?” The tips of Derek’s ears were tinting red and Stiles thought for a brief, mad second, of kissing him. “To thank you for writing that profile. I know how you feel, and you really didn’t have to go through all that to find me someone. I know it’s not worth the trouble. It isn’t like I’m going to find anyone who even compares to, you know…”

 

Stiles felt his face drop. “Don’t say shit like that. You’re going to find someone great and I’m going to find someone passable and we’ll both be fine.”

 

Derek laughed but it didn’t sound happy. “Right, passable. I guess that’s better than no one.”

 

“It’s okay, D. We’ll turn you into a real boy in no time at all. Now let me go to school so I can pretend to pay attention in class and go through the long, long list of people who want to get into your pants. Thanks for the coffee!”

 

Derek nodded, his shoulders hunched a little like they did after he had sustained a blow during a fight.

 

“You okay, dude?”

 

“Don’t call me dude,” Derek said before turning sharply and climbing gingerly into his car. 

 

Stiles didn’t notice until halfway through first period that the coffee was perfect — four sugars, two creams, and three squirts of hazelnut syrup. He tried to ignore the thump of his heart before adding another sentence to Derek’s profile. 

 

_Memorizes his friends’ coffee orders so that he can cheer them up when they’re heartbroken._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think! Oh! And welcome to the Teen Wolf fans and people who have never enjoyed the Raven/Cody brand of crazy. I am so sorry, in advance.


End file.
